This drawing of the process of communication seems to validate the ease with which misunderstandings happen. However, this drawing also shows that understanding increases when listeners provide feedback. We give feedback in numerous ways both verbal and nonverbal: opinions, feelings, advice, tone of voice, and body posture are all types of feedback. NVC suggests one specific type of feedback called paraphrasing.
Paraphrasing, also called reflecting back, works toward increased clarity. This tool is especially useful with emotionally charged language used in tense situations. Reflecting back what we hear helps us check our understanding. This kind of feedback also allows the speaker to hear how they were perceived, and clarify if necessary. This not only leads toward greater understanding for the listener, it can work to help the speaker become aware of feelings and needs as well as articulate them.
When reflecting back:
- First, give a distancing statement: “It sounds like…,” “Are you saying….” This takes the blame away from yourself; it is nothing about you or your actions but rather what you hear them say.
- Reframe what you hear into feelings, values, and needs: disappointment, importance of relationship, and need for companionship for example. Rather than parroting back the evaluations or opinions you hear, reframe them into feelings, needs, or values.
- Ask a question. People are very sensitive to sarcasm when they work to express themselves. Framing reflections as questions signifies that the listener wants to work toward understanding instead of turning the situation into a joke. Questions also allow for correction if the reflection was not what the speaker meant to say.
Example: A reflection to “You’re so lazy!” could sound like this: “Are you saying that you are disappointed because working together to get a job done is important to you?”
Sources:
Conflict Resolution Center of Montgomery County
Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg
Practical Sills for Managing Interpersonal Conflict Manual, 2008, KIPCOR
(This is Kaylee, by the way) :)
ReplyDeleteYou are SUPER amazing! I absolutely love this, I feel like printing it out and hanging it up so I can read it every day. It's SUCH a wonderful reminder of the ways that we judge and evaluate what others are saying first, instead of trying to look past what we feel first, and try to figure out feelings, needs, values, etc. And that we just need to give ourselves some space and patience to be able to do so. THANK YOU!!!!!
xoxo