"What did you say?"

Any time we talk to each other we follow a cycle of communication. The speaker sends a message which the listener decodes; the listener then sends feedback which the speaker decodes. This cycle looks something like this:

This drawing of the process of communication seems to validate the ease with which misunderstandings happen. However, this drawing also shows that understanding increases when listeners provide feedback. We give feedback in numerous ways both verbal and nonverbal: opinions, feelings, advice, tone of voice, and body posture are all types of feedback. NVC suggests one specific type of feedback called paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing, also called reflecting back, works toward increased clarity. This tool is especially useful with emotionally charged language used in tense situations. Reflecting back what we hear helps us check our understanding. This kind of feedback also allows the speaker to hear how they were perceived, and clarify if necessary. This not only leads toward greater understanding for the listener, it can work to help the speaker become aware of feelings and needs as well as articulate them.

When reflecting back:
- First, give a distancing statement: “It sounds like…,” “Are you saying….” This takes the blame away from yourself; it is nothing about you or your actions but rather what you hear them say.
- Reframe what you hear into feelings, values, and needs: disappointment, importance of relationship, and need for companionship for example. Rather than parroting back the evaluations or opinions you hear, reframe them into feelings, needs, or values.
- Ask a question. People are very sensitive to sarcasm when they work to express themselves. Framing reflections as questions signifies that the listener wants to work toward understanding instead of turning the situation into a joke. Questions also allow for correction if the reflection was not what the speaker meant to say.

Example: A reflection to “You’re so lazy!” could sound like this: “Are you saying that you are disappointed because working together to get a job done is important to you?”

Sources:

Conflict Resolution Center of Montgomery County
Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg
Practical Sills for Managing Interpersonal Conflict Manual, 2008, KIPCOR

Choosing how we hear

Has anyone ever yelled or cursed at you? Perhaps you’ve been blamed for something, left in the middle of a conversation, or experienced the “silent treatment?” Most likely we have all experienced behavior like this, and perhaps even behaved in similar ways. Some times we call actions like this “difficult,” “bad,” or “bullying.” Though no one can change the behavior of others, we each have the capability to change the way we perceive such negative interactions.
When someone directs negative language or emotionally charged messages at us we can choose the way we hear what they say. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life writes that we have four options:
1. Blame ourselves
2. Blame others
Blaming comes about when we internalize the emotion, evaluations, or judgments we hear from the other. Blame comes as a reaction to what we perceive they think about us.
3. Empathize with our own feelings and needs
4. Empathize with others feelings and needs
In choosing to empathize rather than blame, we look at the message differently. Empathizing means laying aside our own evaluations and opinions for the moment in order to be fully present with the other and hear what they have to say.

Behind behaviors lie emotions and needs. Though perhaps not consciously, we tell each other what we need through our actions. Truly hearing people and choosing to empathize means listening for the feelings and needs behind the behavior we find offensive. If we choose to focus on the behavior that we perceive as difficult we will find a bully. If we choose to look for needs, feelings, and values behind the negative messages we hear we will begin to see a person making a request as they know how. When we see these needs and emotions we find our similarities and shared humanity.

Kathryn Jackson tells a story about a lion who bullied all of the other animals (Tawny Scrawny Lion). For obvious reasons the other animals didn’t feel safe, so they tried to talk things over with the lion from a great distance. The only reply he gave was that they were at fault for running away, if he didn’t have to run for his food he wouldn’t have to eat so much! Desperate for one peaceful day they sent a little rabbit over to “talk things over” with the lion. But the story takes an unexpected turn. When the rabbit came up close he saw all of the lions ribs. “You look much too scrawny to talk things over,…so how about supper at my house first?” the little rabbit asked. After a week of no casualties the big animals came to visit the rabbit. “Rabbit,’ they said. ‘O you wonderful rabbit! What in the world did you talk to the tawny, scrawny, hungry, terrible lion about?” The rabbit responded, “Oh, my goodness! We had such a good time with that nice, jolly lion that I guess we forgot to talk about anything at all!”