Indy's Instinct

One of our family pets is an Australian Shepherd cow dog named Indy. Indy is a natural herder.  She hadn't worked with cattle until she was four years old but she adores helping out.  Though we tried to train Indy to herd by command, instinct still plays a huge part in Indy’s interaction with cattle.

Sometimes Indy does a remarkable job.  Other times, especially when the stakes are highest, it’s as if she hears “take ‘em” instead of “get out” through the rush of adrenaline and instinct in her ears.  Occasionally five people shouting “GET OUT” in exasperation brings no response.  She continues careening behind a half crazed animal in full gallop.  On those occasions we shut her up in the pick-up cab.  She whines and yaps her need to chase.  When we tell her to quiet down she seems surprised, as if she didn’t know those noises came from her.  Then she’s sulky with us for denying her the pleasure of doing what comes naturally.

After the job is finished we can laugh at Indy’s overeager enthusiasm and her loud whiny songs about her desire and capabilities.  In the moment though I sometimes lose my temper with her.  Provided I can catch her I roll her on her back, hold her nose, and let her have it.   As I yell she looks back at me mournfully, as if she’s never seen me behave so poorly.

What actions come so naturally to you in stress that you don’t even see them? Ironically, and just like Indy, our attributes that contribute the very most to the community can become the most destructive when we carry them too far.

Here are some examples of instinctual behaviors in times of stress:

·      Looking for conflict: some people seem to enjoy a good fight and dive right in.

·      Avoiding conflict: other people run when a little glimmer of tension appears.

·      Getting defensive when we hear criticism. 

·      Triangulation: when anxious, venting to another person about the one you’re in conflict with can appear to be the most helpful thing possible.

·      Responding to unhealthy behavior in kind.  

Also, what learned behavior is the first to go in the heat of the moment?   

Take some time to think about your own instinctual behavior during times of stress. Then, remember the importance of other skills and perspectives.  Finally, try to see some humor it in! Hopefully giving thought to these questions will raise awareness and make space for other voices when the stakes are highest.

Reflections

Usually my dad and brothers do the equipment maintenance for the farm.  Occasionally, however, they take a piece of equipment into town for some work.  The other day I drove the backhoe home from the machinist.  My route included a moderately busy highway so I relied heavily on the rearview mirror in my slow moving vehicle.

Though mirrors prove very helpful, reflections can also be incredibly disorienting because they show a certain perspective rather than a literal and accurate portrayal.  For example, the image in my backhoe mirror had a large hoe shaped blind spot.  Also, vehicles appearing far away and indistinct in my mirror flew around me soon after proving that I couldn’t always trust the depth I saw.  I needed to study that mirror, but I also needed to remember that its portrayal didn’t show me everything. 

Similarly, our own reflections about our past experiences; our own stories, show a certain perspective.  Our values, friends, education, gender, race, even something as simple as where we live influence our perspective heavily.  Mark Labberton writes in his book The Dangerous Act of Loving Your Neighbor, “… Everything we see passes through invisible lenses of perception that take a lot of the information the eye receives and the brain sorts, and place it within the framework of our experience or understanding or plausibility… We move seamlessly from sight to perception, from the information available to the assignment of value and meaning to what we see.”  Whether we acknowledge it or not, we bring this perspective shaped by our past, into every interaction.

Even with limitations, what I saw in my backhoe mirror was imperative, for my safety as well as the safety of everyone else on the road.  I needed to take a good look at what was behind me. In fact, becoming aware of the unique perspective of my rear view mirror gave me more information about what actions I could take to be a safer operator on the road.

Since past experiences shape perception, take a look at your own stories.  Notice patterns in your reflections that reinforce engrained self-perception.  How do you self-identify? Are you martyr, hero, forgotten, cherished…? Look for the unique characteristics in your review mirror that influence the way you see the world, and your place in it. 

The way we see affects the way we act; with our families and friends, our co-workers, even random strangers. How have past experiences shaped your pattern of dealing with conflict?

What in your rearview mirror needs adjusting?

As I drove the slowly jogging backhoe down the road I was more concerned than usual about the landscape behind me. Several times I had to remind myself to look ahead and pay attention to what was coming.  As comforting, as necessary as it is to know what’s behind, becoming too engrossed there could also mean danger.  

Look in your rear view mirror, look at your mirror; just don’t get stuck there.

Seeing Beyond

I tried something new this month.  Early in May I climbed into “Snoopy” the 10-wheeler manure truck, and tried to keep my place in the repetitive twenty-minute race of three trucks roaring between corral and field. Since we feed our cattle hay in the winter months the growth of the manure piles is proportional to the melting of the haystacks.  By spring the corrals are filled to bursting. In addition to being inconvenient, these ugly piles accost our eyes and noses whenever we go near.  It’s no wonder we wait impatiently for the manure and the fields to dry enough to accommodate the trucks.    

During the three days of hauling I had plenty of time to think as I pelted along the well-known route, load after load.  Around and around I went and I thought about reframing. 

Reframing is the work of consciously looking at something in a whole new way.   Often the word describes looking at something perceived as negative, ugly, or painful and finding ways in which it may benefit the growth of beauty or wholeness.  I see manure hauling as an act of reframing.  For days we give time and attention to ugly, smelly manure and spread it out as nutrients on our fields to benefit health of the soil and growth of the crops.  In the passing of nutrients from soil to plant to animal to soil there is a beauty of which plain old manure can remind us, if we choose to see it. 

Here are two situations when reframing can be useful:

1. Conversations when people are upset.  Really listen during these conversations; also notice possible feelings or values that fuel intensity. Then restate what you heard and noticed, leaving out verbal explosives and evaluations.  Finally, ask if what you heard matches what the person was saying.  This isn’t about protecting oneself, or putting words into someone’s mouth.  Reframing in these situations means focusing on the nuggets of conversation that aide better understanding.

2. Experiences we rehash. We all have formative stories.  These experiences have shaped our perceptions of ourselves as well as the world around us.  In these instances doing the work of personal reframing helps us tell our important stories in new ways.  Often difficult experiences stimulate growth.  Reframing means taking our eyes off of the painful, the ugly, and the inconvenient, looking instead for ways in which these same stories have contributed to growth, newly reached health, or beauty just discovered. 

The crew cleaned out the corrals in record time this year. Still, three truck drivers and a loader operator devoted three days to making the nutrients in that manure available to the plants in the fields.  Reframing is an action that takes time, effort, and patience but can help us see how difficult conversations or experiences contribute to growth and better understanding.    

I write this blog for Common Ground Conciliation Service. Read about our work with non-profit organizations at http://www.commongroundcs.org/

Potential

First thoughts of planting season begin when the days lengthen and seed catalogues come with every day’s mail.  Gardeners drool over the colorful pictures of vegetables and flowers as they make lists of seeds to buy.  Then when the air and earth begin to warm and there’s less chance of frost it’s time to roll up our sleeves and start planting.

I remember planting in the garden with my grandma each spring.  She must have had a map of her future garden in her head because she gave very confident directions of where to make shallow ditches and sprinkle different kinds of seed.  Though the seeds didn’t look like much at the time, we’d cover up each row with a great deal of hope and pat the earth firm.  Then the garden looked as empty and bare as ever, so we’d mark the beginning and end of each seed type with a rock or a small stick so that we’d know where we’d already planted.  Sometimes though, when the plants came up and Gram would go out to count them and crow over them, she’d find a patch where we’d double planted.  She’d shake her head and laugh even after the plants matured and she pulled radishes from around her onions.

I’m sure you’ve heard planting used as a metaphor for actions and consequences.  We can’t always see the immediate effects words and actions have on others.  Yet, as we wait and watch we can see the fruit of what’s been done. In her book, Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now, Maya Angelou uses this metaphor of planting: “Although nature has proven season in and season out that if a thing that is planted bears at all, it will yield more of itself, there are those who seem certain that if they plant tomato seeds, at harvesttime they can reap onions.

Too many times for comfort I have expected to reap good when I know I have sown evil… Now, after years of observation and enough courage to admit what I have observed, I try to plant peace if I do not want discord; to plant loyalty and honesty if I want to avoid betrayal and lies.”  

Whether positive or negative, we often see the consequences of our actions in the level of health reflected in our relationships.

Yet, as I write, I see how people could use these words to place the entirety of blame on themselves for unhealthy relationships.  I am encouraging owning responsibility for the seeds we plant but blame is entirely different; it’s a beginning to violence.  We plant seeds not only in our relationships with others, but also in the words we speak to ourselves, our “self-talk.”  This self-talk can be overly critical, and we often become what we call ourselves.  Take responsibility for your own planting instead of placing blame; and remember that others plant seeds alongside yours.

Be intentional about the seeds you plant even as you remember that we cannot take all credit for the growth.  Be aware of the effect your words or actions may have in your interactions with others and in your own self-talk.  Chances are that violence begets more, and perhaps greater violence, while kindness produces increasing kindness.  

Just a reminder, I write this monthly blog for Common Ground Conciliation Service.  Check out the website at: http://www.commongroundcs.org/

Wait For It

I ate a fresh strawberry today.   Of course it isn’t strawberry season in this part of the world so I enjoyed every bite.  We have to wait until June for strawberry bounty but the added warmth of the greenhouse made these tastes possible.  Even with that added care I’ve had to wait for harvest; I’ve watched those strawberries for months.  I watched the plants bloom, then the petals fell off; soon little green berries started growing larger, and finally I watched the traces of pink increase.

This time of year I’m hungry for spring and I think about planting, the miracle of growth, and waiting.  As I encourage people to practice skills that foster healthy communication and relationships I also think about how far a little patience with each other can go, in the midst of conflict or otherwise.  Maybe comfortable family relationships, friendships, and good coworker interactions are kind of like planting a seed and waiting for growth. 

Growing things takes time and the life within a seed and the emergence of a plant is nothing short of miraculous.  Of course there are things you can do to help the process.  It all begins with preparing the soil and planting the seed.  Then you can make sure the plants have the nutrients they need, you can water them, and you can plant them in a place with the appropriate amount of sunlight.  But you have to wait to harvest.  And even then you aren’t entitled to one because we aren’t capable of making the harvest.  We cannot create health in relationships just as we cannot create growth in plants.  Growth and health in relationships are gifts just as much as the new buds of spring.

As we see signs of spring all around us, look for the new green shoots of friendship. Celebrate the buds of new growth in old relationships.  Look for, and wait for, the possibility of healthy growth in relationships that have been painful.  Definitely take time to nurture and care for your relationships with the people around you.  Then have a little patience and remember; growth is a gift and a miracle too.