Moving Mountains

Permit me to introduce CowBelle; the question mark cow looking you straight in the eye. She's well over a thousand pounds, remarkably opinionated, and decidedly unenthusiastic about coming home at milking time.

Having a family milk cow was my idea and when I imagined fetching the cow I saw myself strolling happily behind an amiable animal. In reality, 6:15 morning and evening found me either running myself red in the face behind a fleet footed bovine, or pushing ineffectively on her rear, holding a stick I dared not use, while she serenely chewed. Though Belle and my statures contrast strikingly, we have some very humbling similarities in temperament: both of us can be quite stubborn, and our stubbornness only intensifies in the face of coercion.

My brother came to the rescue in this impasse by showing me a valuable life lesson. If I choose to compete with Belle the difference in size, speed, or strength matters a great deal.  Fortunately, Belle is used to getting her needs met, namely hunger satisfied, at home. So, if I call her she will come.  If she can choose, and get her needs met by choosing, the power struggle is over.  Even when I forgot and chased her with my stick causing bedlam and frustration, if I called, she would come toward home. Then she’d run past me, make eye contact as she kicked up her heels, and I would find her eating contentedly in the bunk when I got home.

Belle illustrated for me the basic need to make choices; the need of autonomy.

As hard as it is to resist forcing our own ideas onto others, here are three problems with coercion:

·      Power: If we insist that we can choose better for others than they can for themselves we assume we are above them; and even a cow hates condescension. 

·      Unintended consequences: If we make decisions for others despite their disinclination, we miss out on hearing their perspective, their needs, and the consequences they see arising from the action. 

·      Short solutions: If we choose for another we lose their buy in; they’re less likely to follow through when our influence, our stick, goes away.  

Think about things you “have” to do.  Do they bring you life or do they foster resentment?  Do you look forward to doing those tasks or do you dread them?

  

I venture to guess that most of us dislike being forced into actions that aren’t of our choosing.  So, respect others' need for autonomy as well. Give the call, provide the opportunity, and try putting down your stick.

Purr or Growl?

Do you ever think about the messages you send without even opening your mouth?  Body language is a powerful method of communication; one we use every day without thinking about it.  Our culture and socialization greatly determine how we use this tool and even a slight difference in culture affects how we understand each other.

            Here is a simple example from our Stoneybrook pets:

It’s no wonder that cats and dogs are stereotypically enemies! 

We watched this drama unfold earlier in the summer when our over eager Australian Shepherd tried to befriend the tiny orphan kittens we brought home.  At first the kittens were terrified and Indy even seemed put out once in awhile.  Over time, though, Freddy and Gabby learned Indy’s language and all was well.  Then the kittens expanded their territory and met Essie the barn cat.  She sent them every kind of cat “I hate you message” imaginable and they heard “Let’s play” every time.  They’d play with her twitching tail and sally up to her as she hissed.  About the only thing they understood was a sound ear boxing.   They’re still fast friends with Indy, but now that they’ve spent time with Essie, admired her, and imitated her they have little miscommunications with their cross cultural friend.  The other day Freddy tried to share Indy’s supper dish. When he heard Indy’s warning growl he just sank in a little lower with pleasure. He was so content to eat supper with his purring friend that I had to pull him away before he learned his error the hard way.

Try thinking about the body language you use even though it comes so naturally and is often unintentional.  Think about it next time you’re in a high stakes conversation, or you’re in the middle of a miscommunication.  Include nonverbal messages when you think about those you’re sending or interpreting. It may be that those you see instead of hear are contributing more than you realize.

Indy's Instinct

One of our family pets is an Australian Shepherd cow dog named Indy. Indy is a natural herder.  She hadn't worked with cattle until she was four years old but she adores helping out.  Though we tried to train Indy to herd by command, instinct still plays a huge part in Indy’s interaction with cattle.

Sometimes Indy does a remarkable job.  Other times, especially when the stakes are highest, it’s as if she hears “take ‘em” instead of “get out” through the rush of adrenaline and instinct in her ears.  Occasionally five people shouting “GET OUT” in exasperation brings no response.  She continues careening behind a half crazed animal in full gallop.  On those occasions we shut her up in the pick-up cab.  She whines and yaps her need to chase.  When we tell her to quiet down she seems surprised, as if she didn’t know those noises came from her.  Then she’s sulky with us for denying her the pleasure of doing what comes naturally.

After the job is finished we can laugh at Indy’s overeager enthusiasm and her loud whiny songs about her desire and capabilities.  In the moment though I sometimes lose my temper with her.  Provided I can catch her I roll her on her back, hold her nose, and let her have it.   As I yell she looks back at me mournfully, as if she’s never seen me behave so poorly.

What actions come so naturally to you in stress that you don’t even see them? Ironically, and just like Indy, our attributes that contribute the very most to the community can become the most destructive when we carry them too far.

Here are some examples of instinctual behaviors in times of stress:

·      Looking for conflict: some people seem to enjoy a good fight and dive right in.

·      Avoiding conflict: other people run when a little glimmer of tension appears.

·      Getting defensive when we hear criticism. 

·      Triangulation: when anxious, venting to another person about the one you’re in conflict with can appear to be the most helpful thing possible.

·      Responding to unhealthy behavior in kind.  

Also, what learned behavior is the first to go in the heat of the moment?   

Take some time to think about your own instinctual behavior during times of stress. Then, remember the importance of other skills and perspectives.  Finally, try to see some humor it in! Hopefully giving thought to these questions will raise awareness and make space for other voices when the stakes are highest.