Why use a recipe?

Ever since I can remember my Mom worked with my Dad on the farm.  Because of the busy farm schedule it was difficult for her to find time to make meals.  When I was quite young Mom would leave out the recipe of what she wished me to make for lunch. Since I was just learning to read I’d decipher it at my leisure.  One memorable day Mom left out the baked bean recipe.  It goes like this:

1 pound hamburger

1 onion

1 ½ pound can Pork and Beans

1 scant teaspoon dry mustard

3 tablespoons brown sugar

2 tablespoons molasses

1 teaspoon vinegar

½ cup ketchup

wieners

Soon I had the hamburger and wieners browning in a skillet with a little onion.  I’d found the can of pork and beans and the other ingredients on the list.  It wasn’t until I started looking them over that I got into trouble.  Dry mustard mixed with brown sugar?! Molasses and ketchup? Gross! I knew I didn’t like mustard.  Brown sugar?  Everybody knows that sugar belongs in desserts.  Molasses? It makes such a mess! And vinegar?  Yuck; besides, the jug was heavy for me to lift and 1 teaspoon wasn’t worth it.  Well, I was cooking so I could take matters into my own hands. As you may imagine, the result with half the ingredients missing tasted less than desirable.  I still hear about it when I make baked beans even though I now like mustard, know that brown sugar, molasses and meat go quite well together, and can easily manage the vinegar jug.

Just as cooks use recipes, mediators and facilitators use processes.  A process, kind of like a recipe, is a specific way of doing something.  It can be a way of discussing a topic, or certain steps to go though to find resolution for an issue.  Sometimes when it comes to working with people, especially through conflict, it seems easy to take a short cut and leave out the parts of the process that we don’t particularly like.  For example, why bother with talking pieces to show whose turn it is, or brightly colored stickers to show preference?  Why retell the painful pieces of what’s going on, or clarify things so many times? Is all of this really necessary?

Of course, relationships between people are not as simple as putting ingredients together and the outcome of a process is not as predictable as that of a recipe.  However, process does several things. 

Process slows us down when we begin to make decisions too quickly.  When we start to feel anxious about a situation, either individually or corporately, deciding the process toward resolution decreases our anxiety and keeps us from making rash decisions.

Process gives us a different pattern to follow. If we follow the usual patterns of conversation we will probably hear the same things from the same people.  If we assume that everyone is on the same page about incidents that affect conflict situations we miss hearing each other’s perspectives. If we aren’t pushed to think of ideas beyond our own first preference we may miss a creative solution.

Process provides a place where more voices can be heard. Informal conversation is harder for some people than for others, especially in situations of tension. Important discussions that have no structure can inadvertently exclude a large part of a group. Respect and space for each person can be built into the guidelines of processes making discussions seem safer for people to engage and therefore more equitable for people with different personality types.

I have heard it said that communication is not a by-product of trust; rather trust is a by-product of communication.  Trust can be broken in situations of conflict.  However, processes aimed at working together to solve a problem can protect trust between people or help rebuild it when it has been broken.  We may be more comfortable with informal and casual interaction but being intentional about the process we use is like using a recipe when learning to cook; it’s a safety net.  Structure, just like informality, has it’s place and if we skip over steps just because they seem childish, slow, or unimportant, we may very well miss something valuable.   

Peacocks and Peacekeeping

             I watched a little drama unfold outside the kitchen window this morning.  We have some of the usual farmyard animals at Stoneybrook Farm: a watchdog, a bossy barn cat, calves, and chickens, but we also have peacocks.  Years ago two old cocks showed up and decided to make this their home, so we got some females to keep them company and the rest is history.  Peafowl, not unlike people, have distinct social rituals.  They also have a degree of family loyalty that depends on the time of year.  In the spring the cocks fight, it is part of their routine; it’s like gardeners digging out the seed catalogues come January.  They don’t fight to kill they fight to embarrass.  They go for the tail or the topknot and knock each other out of trees, but the rest of the year they’re friends.  When the hens fight though, it gets dirty. 

            This was the drama I witnessed this morning.  The seven chicks, offspring of the two hens in question, were lined up in a worried little arc.  The third hen was watching in a disinterested sort of way, and the alpha cock was trying to be the peacemaker.  The hens would jump at each other, feet first, knocking each other on their backs.  So the cock did it too, aiming at one hen or another, jumping right into the middle.  It didn’t “keep the peace” by the way; they just went somewhere else to “fight in peace.”  No amount of coercion makes the fighting stop; even a thorough dousing from a garden hose just moves the fight out of reach.  When the matter is settled they go their way; the two families together, scratching at their routine places at precisely the “right” time of day.

            This scene brought up a question for me; an involved question, and a hard one.  When is coercion “okay”?  Does the end really justify the means? Can violence quash violence?  Can coercion stop conflict – especially someone else’s conflict? 

            Just as we begin think that this question doesn’t apply to our daily lives I want to remind you that coercion covers a multitude of actions.  Coercion includes speech like “should,” “have to,” and “ought to.”  It also covers passive aggressive behavior or physical force that isn’t even violent.  Coercion is apparent whenever we inflict a punishment for not doing what we say or offer a reward for doing what we want.

            I’m not advocating bedlam and anarchy; in fact I notice that violence to stop violence only exacerbates the problem and coercion only moves the conflict to another time or place. Poor Shadow, the alpha peacock, can’t reason out a different way to deal with the conflict in his family, but we can.  Though it doesn’t have an easy answer, this hard question seems worth thinking about.  Does force really bring about the outcome we seek?

Fire Danger

             Sometimes when I check the weather this time of year I notice a red flag warning calling attention to fire danger for my area. Fire danger increases in certain circumstances: hot dry weather with low humidity, lightening, and wind. In such conditions one fire burned 216,000 acres of rangeland several weeks ago. Conflict can be kind of like fire; it can grow to an unmanageable destructive force if the conditions are right or if controlled it can be a force for a great deal of good. Likewise, seemingly simple things can decrease fire danger. What things affect conflict, though they may seem unimportant?

Preparation

            If you find the topic being discussed very important it pays to wait to have the conversation until you’ve had time to prepare. Think about why this is important to you. Think about what you want out of the situation, what you need out of the situation, and if they’re different. What solutions can you think of? Are you feeling strong emotions about this situation? What are they? What steps will you take if this conversation isn’t helpful?

            Conflict flares impressively during surprise outbursts at inopportune moments. Have you ever noticed that it is easier to be grouchy when you’re hungry?  My sister-in-law calls that being “hangry.” Similarly, if I’m tired my mental and emotional energy plummets along with intentionality. Prepare for difficult conversations by caring for your basic needs like hunger and rest; you will be more likely to have the necessary energy.  

Time and place matter

            If I think someone is listening in on a conversation that I want to be private I feel distracted.  If my feet dangle from the chair, or if the seat is uncomfortable it takes energy to think about anything else.  When working on a topic of contention, choose a time and place that allows concentration.  Be sure everyone is present that needs to be, but choose a place that is private.  Find a space that is comfortable for everyone, safe, and conducive to the conversation.

Focus on the problem move toward the person

            When in conflict it is tempting to avoid contact with the person you have tension with.  In reality, this distance and break of communication creates prime conditions for conflict to escalate.  Another aspect that creates this perfect conflict condition is our tendency to focus our mental energy on the other person.  We think about how bad, difficult, annoying, unreasonable, etc. that person is.  That is like fanning a flame in the open desert. It seems counterintuitive, but look for opportunities to have contact and conversation with those you’re in conflict with. Then instead of focusing on how annoying the other person is use your mental energy to find creative solutions to the problem at the base of the conflict. 

Like fire, conflict can be helpful or dangerous and destructive. Just as fire is a force outside our control, we do not have entire control over situations of conflict. We do, however, have the ability to influence the situation in simple and surprising ways.

Get the Root!

I’ve been digging out dandelions off and on for the last several weeks and therefore re-learning about roots. It’s tempting to think I’m finished when I unearth the white soft part of the root. It’s several inches long and I didn’t see it before, so I’ve gotten it all, right? Sadly, the real root is a brown knobby piece that breaks with very little provocation. If you leave even a half-inch of the real root, the dandelion will be back, no questions asked. Satisfaction comes at the release of such a taproot or finally discovering of the little piece of root that’s been causing all that trouble. Doing conflict well can sometimes be like weeding:

1. We only see a small portion:

Only part of a plant pokes up for me to see. If I only take care of what I see right away I’m missing some of the most important parts. Sometimes in conflict we only take the time to deal with what seems most urgent. We deal with a specific aspect of the problem at hand in the least amount of time possible. Meanwhile emotions, needs, and systemic issues hide beneath the surface. Without a doubt, if we don’t get the root, the problem will be back.

2. Different tools are available:

            I know how to clear out a dandelion patch really quickly. You take a hoe and chop off all the tops. It looks all right, at first! It just takes so long to use a shovel, get down on my knees, and sift through the dirt until I find the root!  With some weeds that would be no problem, but with dandelions it is a short-term fix. In fact, it has a chance of breaking up the roots and spreading the weeds. Sometimes we use fast methods like avoidance, accommodation, compromise, or force to make conflict go away quickly. When important issues and valuable relationships are at stake though, these methods just stir the pot. Avoidance merely prolongs the conflict. Compromise can promote solutions that don’t work for anyone. Accommodation can breed resentment. Even if we treat conflict as competition and force helps us “win”, we lose something when the other person isn’t content. Such resentment or discontent fuels the rematch. Collaboration is like getting out the shovel. It isn’t necessary for every weed in the patch, but for the big ones, it’s vital.  

3. Start when it’s small:

            May and June are important months for weeding. If gardeners choose not to weed in this stage the job grows, literally. This time of year I get down on my knees and finger-weed redroot, lambs quarter, and elm seedlings. All three of these plants have potential to grow taller than me, elm seedlings exponentially so. Conflict has a way of growing too. It starts out as just a problem, and then it grows until we think it’s the other person’s fault. We drag in other issues as well as our friends, and before we know it we have two distinct groups battling each other about something no one can really put their finger on. Meanwhile, emotion intensifies until we no longer talk to each other and can justify punishment. Start working on the problem when it’s small; it saves time, a great deal of stress, and probably relationships.

Conflict grows like a weed.  Learn the lesson I did early on in my weeding career.  If you don’t want it there, be sure to get the root.

Growth in My Strawberry Patch

When the days lengthen and the weather warms it seems as though I can almost watch things grow. Just yesterday I thought about growth as I weeded my strawberry patch. Last year I placed priority on other things and this year the dandelions, grass, and thistles show as much growth as my strawberries. As I worked to clear space for my little plants I had a great deal of time to think about how neglect allows things to flourish that we would prefer to avoid. Growth is not exclusively physical, and neither is change always growth. People change and grow and the enneagram, which I have referenced in my last two blogs, gives us a picture of what that could look like.

The enneagram shows us many patterns to watch for and I want to share one more with you. Last month I wrote about the continuum of health of each type, but the types connect too. When we gain in health we not only go up the continuum for our own type we also integrate to the positive attributes of another. Likewise when we become unhealthy we not only go down on our own continuum we also disintegrate to the unhealthy patterns of another. Enneagram is actually the name of a shape that looks like this:

Do you remember studying the periodic table in chemistry? Or how about the circle of fifths in music theory? Similarly this shape helps us remember a pattern, that of integration and disintegration. You may notice that the lines between 6, 9, and 3 form a triangle. These types are called the “primary” types and their pattern of integration looks like this: 6 integrates to 9, 9 to 3, 3 to 6. We follow the other lines to see how the rest of the types connect. Their pattern goes like this: 1 integrates to 7, 7 to 5, 5 to 8, 8 to 2, 2 to 4, 4 to 1. For each of these groups the pattern of disintegration is the opposite. For example:
              • When average 1’s integrate they move from being overly self-disciplined and judgmental to an unself-conscious enjoyment of life of healthy 7. When they disintegrate they move from wisdom and good judgment to excessive self-analysis and reproach of unhealthy 4.

             • When 9’s integrate they find greater confidence and efficiency of a 3 but they disintegrate to overwhelming ambivalence and anxiety of an unhealthy 6.

When we notice this pattern there is no reason to feel superior to another or wish we were someone else. Though every type has their own set of brokenness we are not immune to the brokenness we see in others. Not only that, with such a path of growth available to us, it is no wonder that the enneagram reminds us to look beyond the confines of the personality we identify with most.

The question begs to be asked, if our patterns have served us since childhood why work to grow toward health? If my strawberries are blooming despite the weeds, why weed them? Author Mark Labberton writes of what he calls, “self-seeing.” He states that all of us have learned how to see others as well as ourselves, by how we think we’ve been seen by others. It may be an expression, a gesture, a word; it may or may not be understood correctly, but the feedback we receive affects our self-perception. Likewise it is through our own broken perception that we see others; that we give the cues with which they form their perceptions. So the “thistles” we allow in our own perceptions not only affect ourselves, they affect others and their perceptions. If we truly, as Labberton says “see as we have been seen, or as we think we have been seen,” becoming present to our own perceptions can be the most effective way, perhaps the only way, to work toward health in our communities and our world.


Sources used:
Understanding the Enneagram: The practical guide to personality types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

The Dangerous Act of Loving Your Neighbor: Seeing Others Through the Eyes of Jesus by Mark Labberton

Since I have just scratched the surface, here are some other Enneagram sources:

Personality Types: using the enneagram for self-discovery by Don Richard Riso

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

The Enneagram in Love and Work by Helen Palmer

Worth Working On

My grandma’s china painting teacher once told her “You NEVER throw away china.” There was one plate though, that almost made it to the trash. Gram didn’t seem to see herself as an exceptional china painter but she could usually bring her pieces around to suit even her critical eye. This plate however, was in her words, hideous. Everything she tried, even gold around the edge, made it look worse. So Gram buried the plate in her back storeroom and forgot about it for nearly ten years. When she brought it out again she still almost threw it away but her teacher’s words rang in her ears. So she patiently worked over that little plate until it passed her inspection. Though it wasn't her favorite piece, she put it in a prominent place to remind her about transformation and second chances. If you’ve looked into the Enneagram like I suggested last month, and if you’ve seen yourself in it’s descriptions, the pictures of dysfunction they paint may discourage you. All of us have behavioral tendencies that we may wish to hide in an out of the way place but that knowledge can lead to compassion rather than to discouragement. We are all works in progress, but just like fine china, none of us belong in the trash.

The Enneagram describes behavior by placing it on a continuum of health. Each of the nine types has such a continuum. The authors who put time and effort into documenting behavior are equally honest about the harmful behaviors that typify unhealthy patterns and healthy behaviors that contribute greatly to community. Noticeably, the strength is the weakness flipped on its head and the gifts we offer in health become our stumbling block when we slip into unhealthy behavior. Below you’ll find a very abbreviated description of the opposite extremes on the health spectrum for each type.

Type 2 The Helper: manipulating others in the name of helping them, self-deception, and coercion can be transformed into embodiment of unconditional love, warmth, and knowledge of how to truly help others.
Type 3 The Achiever: performing for recognition and using deception in order to win praise and others’ regard can be transformed into directness, authenticity, and healthy ambition.
Type 4 The Individualist: extreme self-analysis, self-indulgence and withdrawal can be transformed into rich creativity, engagement with others, and self-awareness.
Type 5 The Investigator: extremism, denial of reality, and working exclusively for expertise can be transformed into healthy innovation and clear understanding.
Type 6 The Loyalist: rebellion against authority, self-doubt, and over commitment can be transformed into reliability, strong self-confidence, and cooperation for the good of the community.
Type 7 The Enthusiast: distraction and excessive collection of things and experiences can be transformed into enthusiasm and honest enjoyment of life.
Type 8 The Challenger: forceful domination and coercion can be transformed into strength and generous leadership.
Type 9 The Peacemaker: self-negligence and withdrawal from important relationships and reality can be transformed into comfortable autonomy as well as support for others.
Type 1 The Reformer: obsessive self-control, intolerance, and perfectionism can be transformed into wisdom, healthy realism, and responsibility.

Everyone holds dual potential: to do a great deal of harm, or to benefit those around us in meaningful ways. Since we all hold the possibility to hurt others we can be compassionate for those, including ourselves, whose unhealthy behavior affects us negatively. Likewise, we all hold the potential for a great deal of good. Just like Gram with her painted plate, with patience and honesty what we find shameful can be transformed into our strength. Gram never threw away china, why give up on people?

Source: Understanding the Enneagram: the practical guide to personality types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

A Look in the Mirror

Has anyone called your attention to something you were doing completely unconsciously? I’ve certainly experienced this! One of my friends in college amused herself in a less interesting class by sitting across the room from me and counting how many times I “checked out.” My choice to mentally leave the conversation wasn’t a conscious one; most likely I didn’t even know I was doing it. Perhaps it’s kind of like personal appearance; I can be blissfully unaware of something quite obvious to those around me. Conflict provides us with situations where the behavioral choices we make have more weighty consequences than other times. Ironically, in those situations of tension and stress we, as humans, do what we’ve practiced most. It’s not that we consciously decide; I suppose one could call it “autopilot.” Choosing a path toward self-awareness means being willing to look at our own behavior honestly. This leads toward being present enough to become capable of conscious choice. Self-awareness isn’t just for our personal good though; being present in our own struggle can also give us more compassion for others in their struggles.

There are many personality-typing models aimed to help with self-awareness. For example, many people find Myers-Briggs useful. Others use the Gilmore and Fraleigh Communication at Work Style Profile. The option I have found most helpful is called the Enneagram.

It seems easy to become discouraged when we read about motivations and behaviors that look remarkably familiar or when we start to notice behaviors we hadn’t been aware of before. The goal of self-awareness is not to learn to see ourselves as hopeless, but rather to see our areas for growth. Those who work to put flesh on the bones of Enneagram theory remind us of the importance of distancing ourselves from our personality. We are not our personality, neither are we stuck in the behavior we’ve done in the past. These patterns are just methods of survival we started using as children and continued until they became habit. Noticing these behaviors in ones self is the first step to choosing healthier patterns. It is also important to stop thinking about certain behaviors as part of who we are. Otherwise, we merely arm ourselves with yet another justification for what we choose to do. The Enneagram observations are not meant to be a box in which to confine ones self; the knowledge is better used as key to greater health.

I can write about self-awareness. I can tell you about the tools I’ve found helpful. I can tell you about resources regarding this topic, but I can’t make you more self-aware. I plan to write several more blogs about the Enneagram and the patterns it points out. If you are interested, you decide in which personality description you see yourself most. I suggest looking at the Enneagram Institute website (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/) where you will find descriptions of the nine types and a test you can take if you need a place to start. The Enneagram asks us to take an honest look at what we do and why we do it. Such personal observation is difficult, but it often leads to greater understanding and growth. Such growth proves helpful, not only for ourselves, but also in our relationships with others.


Source:
The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso, and Russ Hudson