Legacy

Across my dining room table sprawl large pieces of poster board littered with rulers, pencils, and open books of family history. You see, I’m drawing a family genogram of rather large proportions, and in the process I am learning much about myself through the mirror of my ancestors. 

This year our family farm turns 100 years old, and come the end of June we’re hosting a big bash with people coming from far and near.  Part of the day will be a multi-branch family reunion.  Of course, when you get cousins and second cousins from various family lines, those whom we call family can hardly be expected to know each other.  Thus the need for a family tree: a visual of how we are all connected to each other and to this place.

As I draw and label I recognize names and remember stories.  There’s Magdalena who went by Mattie, Maggie, and Molly.  So that’s where my family’s propensity for nicknaming came from! Great Granddad played the mandolin and fiddle, and many in the family sang with voices mixing in beautiful harmony.  It’s no wonder music seems as necessary as breath.  If my ancestors could look at a section of desert, envision making a living there, and actually pull it off, there must be a healthy streak of optimism, persistence, and stubbornness!   

We learn from our families.  We test behavior on those closest to us and hear what actions are appropriate.  As children we mimic our parents.  And of course, there are genetics.  Because of a combination of inheriting and learning, family stories can give us hints for self-awareness. 

We can look for patterns in our family history for many aspects of life, including how we engage with others during conflict or other times of stress.

In your family culture what is the most appropriate way of dealing with disagreement? 

What fights, breaks in relationship, or ruptures have happened in your family history?  How does that affect your response to relational crisis? 

When you hear family stories, in which of your ancestors do you see yourself most often?

Side by Side

A rather remarkable bottle of olive oil sits in our kitchen cupboard.  Square, beautiful dark green glass, with a dark yellow and green label that, among other things, says “Sindyanna of Galilee.”

Sindyanna of Galilee is a non-profit organization located in Western Galilee.  Founded by women, this organization works to provide employment opportunities for both Arab and Jewish women, to bolster the local olive oil industry, and to do fair trade commerce.  According to their website, “Sindyanna symbolizes a unique cooperation between Arabs and Jews, striving to strengthen the economy of the Arab population in Israel. Sindyanna is not only a means of helping farmers and growers from the North, but also a way of showing that a solution to the Middle East conflict begins with creating real economic opportunities.”

You read that correctly.  In one of the most conflicted areas in the world there is a place where Israeli and Palestinian women work side by side.

Often in conflict, especially interpersonal conflict, we focus on words.  We talk about healthy communication; we talk about what kind of words hurt and which help.  We spend considerable amounts of time talking.  Sometimes the outcome seems clear after such conversations.  Other times, however, I agree with Eliza Doolittle who sings in My Fair Lady, “Words, words, words, I’m so sick of words…!”

Growing up I fought with one of my brothers a lot.  We were best buddies who did many things together.  However, since we were, and still are, definitely different individuals there were eruptions of squabbling.  One day our mom, probably past all patience with our fighting, ordered us to clean out the flowerbeds. Not only that, there would be no starting from each end for us.  We were to work side by side. 

There is something powerful in working together, in accomplishing a task, in building a common memory.  There is most definitely a place for words and conversation in conflict.  However, words aren’t the end all.  Next time you’re at odds with someone, DO something together.  Accomplish something.  Work toward a common goal.  Then talk.

In case you're interested in learning more about Sindyanna of Galilee: http://www.sindyanna.com/sindyanna_of_galilee/

Bin Building

Sitting up in one of my brother’s hay fields is a concrete slab with the makings of a grain bin sitting on it.  My brother owns a wheat seed business and is gradually adding storage.  We built one bin last year, and now assembling another climbs higher on the to-do list. 

I know what I’m getting myself into this year.  These bins are made of sheets of corrugated metal shaped in an arc.  The metal sheets are bolted together until they form a circle.  You start with the top ring, lift it, bolt the next ring underneath, and so on making the bin grow taller and taller. 

One of the major building blocks of sturdy relationships is trust.  Significantly, when conflict occurs trust can easily be broken. Though counterintuitive, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over, it just means trust must be intentionally built again.

I wonder if building trust is like building grain bins. 

Structure: In order to keep the partially completed bin safely elevated enough to attach the next ring you need to have significant support. Similarly, support can be necessary in the process of trust building.  We build trust through positive interaction and constructive communication. If people trust each other already fewer supports are needed.  However, if trust is shaky or has been broken a great deal of support is needed while building takes place.   

In bin building this support took the form of forklifts bolted to the bin to lift and steady it.  When building trust support can take a great number of forms but here are a few: communication guidelines to remind us to be respectful, contracts to clarify expectation, conversations about what we need from each other, or having a third person in the room when interacting.

Little things add up: There is no doubt that grain bins are made up of large pieces. However, those pieces are linked together and stabilized by thousands of nuts and bolts.  When you’re working to reinforce trust pay attention to the little things.  Many moments of positive interaction add up to a great whole of strengthened trust.

Sustainability: the goal in building is that this bin will someday stand on it’s own built in structure; not only stand but withstand wind, storms, and everyday use.  Even though trust is easily cracked in conflict, trust also helps relationships withstand conflict.  Create strength in your relationships by building in respect, mutual care, and kindness thus giving your relationships greater likelihood of holding up not only in everyday interaction, but storms too.

"Get out of my face...!"

I learned a new phrase this month, “pressure zone.”  After reading Temple Grandin’s book Animals Make Us Human I started looking for pressure zones and I discovered my familiarity with this fascinating topic.  Here are some examples of pressure zones I’ve noticed:

1. When we work with cattle we go into their pressure zone to encourage them to move.  How we move when we're close enough to be in that zone affects how they move.  For example if you move in front of a heifer’s shoulder the animal will back up, if you are behind her shoulder the animal will go forward. Herding dogs work with this zone too.  Sometimes our herding dog Indy will even lung at or nip a heifer that won’t move.

2. Our puppy Archie likes to chase things too, especially cats.  The cats are learning that if they don’t run he can’t chase them but like a true herding dog, Archie is learning their pressure zones.  They all have different levels of tolerance before scurrying up the highest point. All he has to do is start in Essie’s direction, take Gabby’s tail in his mouth, or pin Freddy with his paw and the race begins. Freddy would be considered the tamest of the cats because his pressure zone is the smallest.

As you can tell, this terminology usually refers to physical space boundaries. However, as I watch animals interact with each other’s pressure zones I’ve also been thinking about emotional pressure zones.  I think we can learn something about confronting difficult topics by comparing that sacred space to this idea of physical boundaries.

Having your pressure zone invaded is frightening. In fact, disrespecting an animal’s pressure zone to an extreme extent elicits very “poor” behavior.  If I come up behind a heifer quickly and unexpectedly she will probably kick me.  If I corner an animal it will react aggressively.  Those dangerous circumstances will, at least partially, be in answer to my behavior! I wonder if it is similar for people’s emotional triggers.  Disrespecting each other’s emotional pressure zones results in what we call “difficult behavior.”

So, does this mean we never engage in conversation around any topic that sets people off?  Does it mean we never enter each other’s pressure zones?

I don’t think so. Entering pressure zones is about eliciting change and in many respects having difficult conversations is too. How we go about it matters.

Have you ever watched a cat sneak up on a bird or mouse?  As the cat gets closer to the bird they move more slowly and become very intent.  Likewise when a herding dog is inside another animal’s pressure zone it needs to have a job to do; it doesn’t just relax, its there for a purpose. 

Don’t be afraid to engage with people around tense topics just remember the rules of pressure zones.  When you’re inside the zone:

be respectful

be alert 

move slowly

be gentle

watch for signs of distress

at some point back away

What are topics that spike your blood pressure; that elicit a reflex like reaction? Are there specific actions, phrases, or issues that “push your button” so to speak?

Can you tell when you are invading someone else’s pressure zone? What are some of the signals you notice?

Sources:

Animals Make Us Human by Temple Grandin

Herding Dogs: Progressive Training byVergil S. Holland

How Big is Your "We"?

“We as a word opens our mouths, maybe even with smiles.  It’s an expression of welcome, of ease, of receptivity…. It’s a word that gathers in an identity while it also asserts one…

They as a word involves figuratively sticking out our tongue. It’s a word of expulsion… It draws a boundary, a perimeter, a distinction, a separation, a distance.  “They” is a kind of anti-identity, and anti-definition of I or we.”

-Mark Labberton, The Dangerous Act of Loving Your Neighbor

Well friends, the saga of the animal drama is not over.  The competitive cats I wrote about last month are now melded into we.  It took the presence of “they” to overcome the internal drama.  They came in the form of an energetic fur ball with teeth and a genetic disposition to chase – a six-week old puppy.  The day Archie moved in the feeding ritual changed dramatically.  The cats didn’t meet me at the back door or race each other.  In fact their paws hardly touched earth.  I went into the barn and found all three huddled together on the highest point possible.  What a change occurred in the presence of a common enemy!

I am delighted that my feline friends made peace with each other.  I am disappointed though, that the incentive for this peace was another war. 

As Mark Labberton articulates in the quotes above, the word They draws a solid line between people.  The word signifies that we are in, as much as that they are out.  Such language not only divides, it also dehumanizes and it devalues. We can quickly justify violence done to them.  Ironically, even as such language divides it also strengthens the bond between us and draws us together. 

There’s got to be better ways to build community than creating a common enemy though!  After all which of the communities symbolized below is stronger?

The question then becomes; how encompassing is our definition of community? Or according to Sue Monk Kidd in The Dance of the Dissident Daughter:

 “…‘The question is: How big is your ‘we’?’ Who knows, our future on this planet may hang on how we come to answer that question.”

This topic even made it into the National Geographic this month.  Laura Spinney wrote an article titled “Karma of the Crowd” which analyzes the benefit experienced by the people in crowds along the Ganges during the Kumbh Mela, a Hindu festival.  She writes,

“The psychologists think the cornerstone of the effect is shared identity. ‘You think in terms of we rather than I’ … and that in turn alters your relationship to other people… Support is given and received, competition turns to cooperation, and people are able to realize their goals in a way they wouldn’t be able to alone.  That elicits positive emotions that make them not only more resilient to hardship but also healthier.”

I encourage you to listen for the words we, they, us, and them. To whom do you apply this language? In consequence, how do you behave toward them?

Who are you trying to protect and draw closer by drawing such defining lines with language?  Are there other ways to strengthen those relationships?

I invite you to join me as this year I hope to expand my “we.”