Get the Root!

I’ve been digging out dandelions off and on for the last several weeks and therefore re-learning about roots. It’s tempting to think I’m finished when I unearth the white soft part of the root. It’s several inches long and I didn’t see it before, so I’ve gotten it all, right? Sadly, the real root is a brown knobby piece that breaks with very little provocation. If you leave even a half-inch of the real root, the dandelion will be back, no questions asked. Satisfaction comes at the release of such a taproot or finally discovering of the little piece of root that’s been causing all that trouble. Doing conflict well can sometimes be like weeding:

1. We only see a small portion:

Only part of a plant pokes up for me to see. If I only take care of what I see right away I’m missing some of the most important parts. Sometimes in conflict we only take the time to deal with what seems most urgent. We deal with a specific aspect of the problem at hand in the least amount of time possible. Meanwhile emotions, needs, and systemic issues hide beneath the surface. Without a doubt, if we don’t get the root, the problem will be back.

2. Different tools are available:

            I know how to clear out a dandelion patch really quickly. You take a hoe and chop off all the tops. It looks all right, at first! It just takes so long to use a shovel, get down on my knees, and sift through the dirt until I find the root!  With some weeds that would be no problem, but with dandelions it is a short-term fix. In fact, it has a chance of breaking up the roots and spreading the weeds. Sometimes we use fast methods like avoidance, accommodation, compromise, or force to make conflict go away quickly. When important issues and valuable relationships are at stake though, these methods just stir the pot. Avoidance merely prolongs the conflict. Compromise can promote solutions that don’t work for anyone. Accommodation can breed resentment. Even if we treat conflict as competition and force helps us “win”, we lose something when the other person isn’t content. Such resentment or discontent fuels the rematch. Collaboration is like getting out the shovel. It isn’t necessary for every weed in the patch, but for the big ones, it’s vital.  

3. Start when it’s small:

            May and June are important months for weeding. If gardeners choose not to weed in this stage the job grows, literally. This time of year I get down on my knees and finger-weed redroot, lambs quarter, and elm seedlings. All three of these plants have potential to grow taller than me, elm seedlings exponentially so. Conflict has a way of growing too. It starts out as just a problem, and then it grows until we think it’s the other person’s fault. We drag in other issues as well as our friends, and before we know it we have two distinct groups battling each other about something no one can really put their finger on. Meanwhile, emotion intensifies until we no longer talk to each other and can justify punishment. Start working on the problem when it’s small; it saves time, a great deal of stress, and probably relationships.

Conflict grows like a weed.  Learn the lesson I did early on in my weeding career.  If you don’t want it there, be sure to get the root.

Growth in My Strawberry Patch

When the days lengthen and the weather warms it seems as though I can almost watch things grow. Just yesterday I thought about growth as I weeded my strawberry patch. Last year I placed priority on other things and this year the dandelions, grass, and thistles show as much growth as my strawberries. As I worked to clear space for my little plants I had a great deal of time to think about how neglect allows things to flourish that we would prefer to avoid. Growth is not exclusively physical, and neither is change always growth. People change and grow and the enneagram, which I have referenced in my last two blogs, gives us a picture of what that could look like.

The enneagram shows us many patterns to watch for and I want to share one more with you. Last month I wrote about the continuum of health of each type, but the types connect too. When we gain in health we not only go up the continuum for our own type we also integrate to the positive attributes of another. Likewise when we become unhealthy we not only go down on our own continuum we also disintegrate to the unhealthy patterns of another. Enneagram is actually the name of a shape that looks like this:

Do you remember studying the periodic table in chemistry? Or how about the circle of fifths in music theory? Similarly this shape helps us remember a pattern, that of integration and disintegration. You may notice that the lines between 6, 9, and 3 form a triangle. These types are called the “primary” types and their pattern of integration looks like this: 6 integrates to 9, 9 to 3, 3 to 6. We follow the other lines to see how the rest of the types connect. Their pattern goes like this: 1 integrates to 7, 7 to 5, 5 to 8, 8 to 2, 2 to 4, 4 to 1. For each of these groups the pattern of disintegration is the opposite. For example:
              • When average 1’s integrate they move from being overly self-disciplined and judgmental to an unself-conscious enjoyment of life of healthy 7. When they disintegrate they move from wisdom and good judgment to excessive self-analysis and reproach of unhealthy 4.

             • When 9’s integrate they find greater confidence and efficiency of a 3 but they disintegrate to overwhelming ambivalence and anxiety of an unhealthy 6.

When we notice this pattern there is no reason to feel superior to another or wish we were someone else. Though every type has their own set of brokenness we are not immune to the brokenness we see in others. Not only that, with such a path of growth available to us, it is no wonder that the enneagram reminds us to look beyond the confines of the personality we identify with most.

The question begs to be asked, if our patterns have served us since childhood why work to grow toward health? If my strawberries are blooming despite the weeds, why weed them? Author Mark Labberton writes of what he calls, “self-seeing.” He states that all of us have learned how to see others as well as ourselves, by how we think we’ve been seen by others. It may be an expression, a gesture, a word; it may or may not be understood correctly, but the feedback we receive affects our self-perception. Likewise it is through our own broken perception that we see others; that we give the cues with which they form their perceptions. So the “thistles” we allow in our own perceptions not only affect ourselves, they affect others and their perceptions. If we truly, as Labberton says “see as we have been seen, or as we think we have been seen,” becoming present to our own perceptions can be the most effective way, perhaps the only way, to work toward health in our communities and our world.


Sources used:
Understanding the Enneagram: The practical guide to personality types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

The Dangerous Act of Loving Your Neighbor: Seeing Others Through the Eyes of Jesus by Mark Labberton

Since I have just scratched the surface, here are some other Enneagram sources:

Personality Types: using the enneagram for self-discovery by Don Richard Riso

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

The Enneagram in Love and Work by Helen Palmer

Worth Working On

My grandma’s china painting teacher once told her “You NEVER throw away china.” There was one plate though, that almost made it to the trash. Gram didn’t seem to see herself as an exceptional china painter but she could usually bring her pieces around to suit even her critical eye. This plate however, was in her words, hideous. Everything she tried, even gold around the edge, made it look worse. So Gram buried the plate in her back storeroom and forgot about it for nearly ten years. When she brought it out again she still almost threw it away but her teacher’s words rang in her ears. So she patiently worked over that little plate until it passed her inspection. Though it wasn't her favorite piece, she put it in a prominent place to remind her about transformation and second chances. If you’ve looked into the Enneagram like I suggested last month, and if you’ve seen yourself in it’s descriptions, the pictures of dysfunction they paint may discourage you. All of us have behavioral tendencies that we may wish to hide in an out of the way place but that knowledge can lead to compassion rather than to discouragement. We are all works in progress, but just like fine china, none of us belong in the trash.

The Enneagram describes behavior by placing it on a continuum of health. Each of the nine types has such a continuum. The authors who put time and effort into documenting behavior are equally honest about the harmful behaviors that typify unhealthy patterns and healthy behaviors that contribute greatly to community. Noticeably, the strength is the weakness flipped on its head and the gifts we offer in health become our stumbling block when we slip into unhealthy behavior. Below you’ll find a very abbreviated description of the opposite extremes on the health spectrum for each type.

Type 2 The Helper: manipulating others in the name of helping them, self-deception, and coercion can be transformed into embodiment of unconditional love, warmth, and knowledge of how to truly help others.
Type 3 The Achiever: performing for recognition and using deception in order to win praise and others’ regard can be transformed into directness, authenticity, and healthy ambition.
Type 4 The Individualist: extreme self-analysis, self-indulgence and withdrawal can be transformed into rich creativity, engagement with others, and self-awareness.
Type 5 The Investigator: extremism, denial of reality, and working exclusively for expertise can be transformed into healthy innovation and clear understanding.
Type 6 The Loyalist: rebellion against authority, self-doubt, and over commitment can be transformed into reliability, strong self-confidence, and cooperation for the good of the community.
Type 7 The Enthusiast: distraction and excessive collection of things and experiences can be transformed into enthusiasm and honest enjoyment of life.
Type 8 The Challenger: forceful domination and coercion can be transformed into strength and generous leadership.
Type 9 The Peacemaker: self-negligence and withdrawal from important relationships and reality can be transformed into comfortable autonomy as well as support for others.
Type 1 The Reformer: obsessive self-control, intolerance, and perfectionism can be transformed into wisdom, healthy realism, and responsibility.

Everyone holds dual potential: to do a great deal of harm, or to benefit those around us in meaningful ways. Since we all hold the possibility to hurt others we can be compassionate for those, including ourselves, whose unhealthy behavior affects us negatively. Likewise, we all hold the potential for a great deal of good. Just like Gram with her painted plate, with patience and honesty what we find shameful can be transformed into our strength. Gram never threw away china, why give up on people?

Source: Understanding the Enneagram: the practical guide to personality types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

A Look in the Mirror

Has anyone called your attention to something you were doing completely unconsciously? I’ve certainly experienced this! One of my friends in college amused herself in a less interesting class by sitting across the room from me and counting how many times I “checked out.” My choice to mentally leave the conversation wasn’t a conscious one; most likely I didn’t even know I was doing it. Perhaps it’s kind of like personal appearance; I can be blissfully unaware of something quite obvious to those around me. Conflict provides us with situations where the behavioral choices we make have more weighty consequences than other times. Ironically, in those situations of tension and stress we, as humans, do what we’ve practiced most. It’s not that we consciously decide; I suppose one could call it “autopilot.” Choosing a path toward self-awareness means being willing to look at our own behavior honestly. This leads toward being present enough to become capable of conscious choice. Self-awareness isn’t just for our personal good though; being present in our own struggle can also give us more compassion for others in their struggles.

There are many personality-typing models aimed to help with self-awareness. For example, many people find Myers-Briggs useful. Others use the Gilmore and Fraleigh Communication at Work Style Profile. The option I have found most helpful is called the Enneagram.

It seems easy to become discouraged when we read about motivations and behaviors that look remarkably familiar or when we start to notice behaviors we hadn’t been aware of before. The goal of self-awareness is not to learn to see ourselves as hopeless, but rather to see our areas for growth. Those who work to put flesh on the bones of Enneagram theory remind us of the importance of distancing ourselves from our personality. We are not our personality, neither are we stuck in the behavior we’ve done in the past. These patterns are just methods of survival we started using as children and continued until they became habit. Noticing these behaviors in ones self is the first step to choosing healthier patterns. It is also important to stop thinking about certain behaviors as part of who we are. Otherwise, we merely arm ourselves with yet another justification for what we choose to do. The Enneagram observations are not meant to be a box in which to confine ones self; the knowledge is better used as key to greater health.

I can write about self-awareness. I can tell you about the tools I’ve found helpful. I can tell you about resources regarding this topic, but I can’t make you more self-aware. I plan to write several more blogs about the Enneagram and the patterns it points out. If you are interested, you decide in which personality description you see yourself most. I suggest looking at the Enneagram Institute website (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/) where you will find descriptions of the nine types and a test you can take if you need a place to start. The Enneagram asks us to take an honest look at what we do and why we do it. Such personal observation is difficult, but it often leads to greater understanding and growth. Such growth proves helpful, not only for ourselves, but also in our relationships with others.


Source:
The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso, and Russ Hudson

"Something's wrong with your..."

I really enjoy dabbling in art and about this time last year I tackled an exciting project. I started with a rainbow of acrylic paints, a set of brushes, and a 4 ft. by 8 ft. plywood board. This was going to be a mural, commissioned by my brother for display in his community supported agriculture business. He had few directives: a colorful garden with interesting perspective. Not too hard, right? By the second month I’d changed my mind. I learned a great deal about painting a large space, but I also learned a life lesson about critique.

I began by setting up my board in the living room, our largest warm space. I’d spend all day on a measly little patch of board trying to get it to look like I imagined. When my family came in they would excitedly congregate in front of my work. The conversation went like this: “Wow, your cabbages look great!” and “Something’s wrong with your potatoes.” Or perhaps, “What is that supposed to be?” Or worse yet, “Look at those strawberries!” when referring to my tomatoes.

I couldn’t always see that my family’s critique was not meant as a personal affront, so sometimes my reaction was a, “Well, you paint it then!” sort of answer. However, after months of doing art in my family’s common living area I began to see that they were offering me a gift of insight from the perspective of other eyes. All of us, at some point, hear feedback that seems difficult to swallow. It’s extremely easy to get defensive, especially if the topic in question is one that has consumed much of our time, creative energy, and excitement. This is what I began to learn though:

• Take a step back. Critiquing an idea or action does not equal attacking you. It’s just analyzing an idea or action!
• Taking other perspectives into account makes for a better outcome. By “better” I mean more sustainable decisions, more creative ideas, and painting that looks more like potatoes!
• Ask questions. Sometimes my eyes were tired and all my garden vegetables began to look the same. Generally I could see the problems they were addressing. If I asked questions about what they saw, they could often give me inspiration and ideas of how to fix the problem.
• Emotions play a part in our response. I can imagine many scenarios of receiving difficult information that are more serious than mural painting for a family member. However, even in this simple situation my emotions affected my response. Noticing my own disappointment, weariness, or excitement helped me hear their suggestions more openly. Try listening for others’ feelings too and their suggestions may appear less caustic to you.

The beauty of this is that we still get to make our own decisions. Even though I listened to others’ ideas, I still created the mural. Taking others’ perspectives into consideration did stretch my project from the planned several weeks to several months. However, my potatoes don’t look like ground cover anymore, plus the mural is much more interesting than I originally planned. Hearing another’s criticism can be really difficult. I found it useful though, when I remembered to listen instead of taking offense.

Peace on Earth

I like the holiday season for many reasons; one being that we talk about peace much more often. In the Christian tradition we spend the four weeks of advent talking about Hope, Peace, Love, and Joy. Many Christian congregations read passages of hope out of Isaiah picturing a type of peace that exceeds our experience and sometimes our imaginations. Christmas carols talk about “…peace on earth good will to men.” Friends send each other Christmas cards with “peace on earth” on them, or with pictures of lions and lambs cuddled up closely (Isaiah 11: 6-9). I feel sad though, when I perceive that these thought provoking words become as trite and apparently meaningless as Santa’s “ho ho ho;” as if the two were entirely synonymous. I wonder sometimes, what do we really mean by “Peace on Earth?” I’ve been thinking about this question through this holiday season and want to share some of my ponderings with you.

When I say “peace on earth,” am I asking something of God? If so, what? Perhaps, I am asking an all-powerful God to come down as a ruler, to put things right. Perhaps I’m asking God to end the wars, to change language and behavior, to be the one everyone knows is right so we won’t have to fight anymore. But does God really do that? Will God muzzle the lion and tether the lamb? Does “God with us” merely mean that there is a rooster in our hen house, someone obviously “on top” so we won’t kill each other? Does God use force to end force? So, what if I’m asking something else? Perhaps I ask our all-powerful God to take hopeless situations and turn them into something beautiful beyond all imagination. Do I mean to ask God for transformation when I say “Peace on Earth?” And what if God still chooses not to force?

When I say “peace on earth,” do I ask anything of others? Or, more powerful yet, am I asking anything of myself? When, at first, I see no other way than force to meet my needs do I ask the lion, wolf, leopard, and bear with-in myself to look for another way? When I perceive myself as powerless do I ask the lamb and calf to be courageous yet vulnerable? Do I ask myself to retain innocence as a child and my viper to be kind? Do I ask myself to look to those weaker than me for some direction though I may have power? And still, what if God chooses not to use force? Could it be that God, the only One who can transform, does not transform unless we want it, ask for it, and work toward the goal? Perhaps the first step to a peaceful world is ours; a step to join God in doing what God will not force.

It could be that “peace on earth” has no more meaning than a vague hope, like flipping through catalogues containing items we can’t afford. I hope that “peace on earth” contains prayer as well as anticipation. However, I also hope that “peace on earth” is more than relying on Someone stronger than us, but a reminder and invitation to join God in transformation.

Through the Eye of Another

When I take a picture I choose an angle and I choose what I want to include. When you look at the picture I take, you get the chance to see what I saw. In this way a picture is kind of like a story. We see another’s experience through their lens. This month the National Geographic is hosting a photography competition. People send in striking photographs from around the world and all of the pictures are posted on the Internet for people to admire. I was scrolling through them the other day, enjoying the one-frame stories, when this picture captivated me. I want to share it with you this month.

National Geographic photography contest; photo by Robert Spanring

Really? That’s all, an eye? Look a little closer and you see the intricate complexity of something so familiar. We can see different shades of various colors: dark lashes and a black pupil as well as browns and greens in the iris. If you look even closer you see a reflection; we get to see what this person saw. Through the other’s eye we see a large geographical feature in Australia called Uluru, otherwise known as Ayers Rock. The photographer titled the photograph “Eye of the Traveler” and wrote, “Many people pilgrimage to Uluru, but what is seen there often depends on where you’ve come from.”

For some of us, images help us understand an intellectual concept at a deeper level. This picture reminds me in a beautiful way that previous experience directly affects the way I see, what I think, and what I value. For example, Uluru represents for some people a deep part of their family history. Legends are passed down from generation to generation about this sacred spot. For others Ayers Rock is a spot on the map to visit one day. Perhaps it represents adventure for them. Still others gain employment from the tourist trade. For them Ayer’s Rock represents income.

With different experiences and different ways of seeing life, it is no wonder we disagree with each other! Then, when we disagree it seems very tempting to pull in generalized information, “facts,” in order to prove our point of view. Surely, if others understand the facts we can all agree! In reality, facts rarely solve a problem. The information we choose to focus on depends on our past experience. It is a fact that many find Uluru to be a sacred place for many generations. It is also a fact that Ayer’s Rock provides income for many through tourism! If we know that “where we come from” affects what we see and think we do well to go behind the facts to hear specific experiences. In doing so we get a clearer picture of the other's point of view. Often, this proves much more effective than battling with facts. Hearing each other’s stories sets a stage for working together on a problem rather than struggling to win an argument. As this picture reminds us however, when we take the time to look for what another sees, it points out the complexity of what we had perceived as simple.