This month I learned, again, that I hate fighting. My training tells me that conflict can lead
to strengthened relationships and sustainable outcomes. I need frequent reminders
though since my instinct is to leave, hide, and ignore.
So, here’s my question, when is the time to stick with a
conflict and have it out, and when do you just let go?
The end of September my milk cow, Molly, had her calf. Molly had been on vacation for a few months
and at this juncture she strongly stated her preference of being left alone
with her darling newborn in their idyllic pasture. On the other hand, I knew that if I wanted to
milk Molly at all during this lactation I would need to start right away. Thus commenced battle royal. Below is a cartoon showing the lead-up to the
first milking:
Yes, go ahead and laugh! Do you see why I’m asking when to
let go?!
In all seriousness, I ask myself this question every time I
am in conflict with someone. I can’t pretend to have answers because I think I
will be asking this question for a very long time but here are some things I’ve
been thinking about:
·
Letting
go isn’t necessarily giving in. We can
choose to let go of the fight in order to look for a more creative solution.
Fighting isn’t the only option; in this case letting go isn’t the easy
way out!
·
At times
choosing not to engage can do a great deal of damage.
I think we sometimes forget that conflict is not something to be
extinguished at all cost but rather a time of great energy and creativity. The world, in case you hadn’t noticed, is not
a perfect place and conflict happens when we try to work on that.
·
There are
times to choose not to engage.
I
relearned what it feels like to be angry this month. It took something petty - watching the work
of a half an hour seep into the dirt because of Molly’s well-aimed kick. Though anger can give me the energy to
continue interacting, I dislike the way I behave when my anger is red hot. It’s more helpful for me to pet the cat or
admire the sunset before I find a way to tell Miss Molly that such behavior
gets us no where.
And perhaps what I’ve found most helpful, when you wonder
whether to give up on the struggle ask yourself two questions: How important is this relationship to me? and How important is this issue to me?
What do you think?
When do you forge through the hard spots and when do you just let go?
P.S. I’m sure you’re all dying to know that Molly and I have
worked through our differences enough to get through a milking with tolerable
ease. She hasn’t tried to run away from
me after turning around mid-caper to find me face planted in a grass
clump. Though she still dances around
occasionally I am learning to be a better dance partner and the bucket usually
remains unscathed.
