My family names just about everything. We have tractors Bill, Gene, Joe, and Lewis.
We’ve named fields: Tennessee, Rhode Island, the Bayou… I sometimes name in
haste and repent in leisure though. Take my cat Gabby, for instance. I named her too early in our friendship. It turns out she isn’t much of a Gabby; she
much prefers being called Nellie.
Naming goes beyond dishing out handles for ease of
conversation though. Naming requires
awareness. We need self-awareness to name our own needs, emotions, and trigger
behaviors. Likewise, by listening
attentively we can create a safe place for others to name their needs and
emotions too. This awareness helps us diffuse tension and find ways to move
forward.
Here are two anecdotes to show you what I mean:
Self-awareness: I
play the fiddle in our little family band and we worked up a few old ballad
songs this summer. These songs have been sung in our family for generations and
while we’ve written the words down, we’ve always learned the music by ear. I can sing these songs just fine, but after
working for months to learn the simple tunes on the fiddle they still wouldn’t
stick. As performance day drew closer
and the pressure mounted I was just about ready to throw in the towel. It took several tries, some incorrect naming,
to finally pin down the problem. Being a
visual learner, every time I picked up my fiddle to play those tunes I had to
RE-learn them before I could make the notes sound like the tune in my head. Especially because of the time constraint, I
needed the music in front of me before could I get to work with some hope of
success.
Have you ever experienced the relief of putting words to
some emotion, or need? It’s like a sigh or relaxation, a step in a helpful
direction.
Other-awareness:
It seems most respectful to those I live with and interact with to illustrate
this with another animal story. The
other day the cattle came from the pasture to the corral. My cow, Miss Molly was among them. Since she is on her several month vacation
our interaction has changed from twice daily to perhaps weekly. As I peeled back the husk from the ear of
corn I held I called for Molly and out she came, separating herself from the
herd. This was only possible because of the “naming” I had done earlier in our
friendship to gain her trust. I noticed
when she was hungry. I observed that she likes the tuft of hair on top of her
head scratched. She loves third cutting
hay, and doesn’t care much for grain. Finally, what took me the longest to name
accurately, she hates to be chased or led but will usually walk beside me in a most
friendly manner wherever I want her to go.
Naming in other-awareness means noticing what others like and
dislike, their triggers, what makes them tick... And then, when possible, behaving in such a way
as to build their trust. This is a gift
we can give to each other since many people crave being known.
Look for the power of naming; the act of noticing and
becoming aware.
