Picture this vignette from my daily chore routine: My three cats meet me at the back door, eager
for their evening meal. Essie Lou,
opinionated and who-knows-how-old, barely has time to say hello before pacing
toward the barn. Fred and Gabby, seven-month
old kittens, playfully run behind. When the
barn door comes into Essie’s view she glances back to see the kittens in hot
pursuit, flattens her ears, and breaks into a dignified jog. As Gabby closes in, Essie drops all pretenses
and starts a frantic run. You see Essie Lou is racing. Despite the fact that I always feed Essie
first, whether she purrs or growls over her generous portion is directly
related to her place in the line-up sliding through the barn door. Gabby seems
to be racing too and when she “wins” she waits her turn for food with a
satisfied air. Then comes Freddy who, regardless of whether he’s first or last,
never “wins” for a rather wonderful reason: he isn’t racing.
This daily drama showed me that we choose whether to compete
and that got me thinking: When does
competition add value and when does it distract us?
I often define competition as one of five methods for
dealing with conflict (or sometimes we call it “force”). Competition during
conflict means that we race to see who can force the other into doing what we
want. Then, the strongest, most
articulate, most persuasive… wins, and the rest lose. Even though this method
is fast it can escalate conflict, decrease our ability to see other options,
and break relationships. It seems more worth the risk when someone’s safety is
at stake.
As I thought about competition I remembered some of my own
experiences:
Competition seemed to be a distraction for two businessmen
in mediation who let less than one hundred dollars block them from agreement. Yet, it adds the sparkle of fun when I gather
with family or friends around the table with games, food, laughter, and our
scores scrawled on a paper scrap. Competition even added incentive for me in
academics as I worked to keep up with my three talented siblings.
How can we benefit from competition without experiencing the
ugly outcomes?
After some thought, I’m trying this:
Choose to compete when it:
·
Adds fun
·
Builds relationships
·
Enhances creative effort
Choose other ways of relating when:
·
Anyone stops having fun
·
Winning or being right seems more important than
the people around you
·
You feel like punishing those who “win” when you
don’t (this includes the "silent treatment"!)
When do you think competition is appropriate?
