Permit me to introduce CowBelle; the question mark cow looking you straight in the eye. She's well over a thousand
pounds, remarkably opinionated, and decidedly unenthusiastic about coming home at milking time.
Having a family milk cow was my idea and when I imagined
fetching the cow I saw myself strolling happily behind an amiable animal. In
reality, 6:15 morning and evening found me either running myself red in the
face behind a fleet footed bovine, or pushing ineffectively on her
rear, holding a stick I dared not use, while she serenely chewed. Though Belle
and my statures contrast strikingly, we have some very humbling similarities in
temperament: both of us can be quite stubborn, and our stubbornness only
intensifies in the face of coercion.
My brother came to the rescue in this impasse by showing me
a valuable life lesson. If I choose to compete with Belle the difference in
size, speed, or strength matters a great deal. Fortunately, Belle is used to getting her needs met, namely hunger satisfied, at
home. So, if I call her she will come.
If she can choose, and get her needs met by choosing, the power struggle
is over. Even when I forgot and chased
her with my stick causing bedlam and frustration, if I called, she would come
toward home. Then she’d run past me, make eye contact as she kicked up her
heels, and I would find her eating contentedly in the bunk when I got home.
Belle illustrated for me the basic need to make choices; the
need of autonomy.
As hard as it is to resist forcing our own ideas onto
others, here are three problems with coercion:
·
Power:
If we insist that we can choose better for others than they can for themselves
we assume we are above them; and even a cow hates condescension.
·
Unintended
consequences: If we make decisions for others despite their disinclination,
we miss out on hearing their perspective, their needs, and the consequences they
see arising from the action.
·
Short solutions: If we choose for another
we lose their buy in; they’re less likely to follow through when our influence,
our stick, goes away.
Think about things you “have” to do. Do they bring you life or do they foster
resentment? Do you look forward to doing
those tasks or do you dread them?
I venture to guess that most of us dislike being forced into
actions that aren’t of our choosing. So,
respect others' need for autonomy as well. Give the call, provide the opportunity,
and try putting down your stick.
