Several times a month I do small claims court
mediation. Not long ago I was
riding down the elevator after a morning of mediation when two women joined
me. Tears streaked one woman’s face. I knew nothing of their situation
or why they were in the courthouse that day. However, I did hear one say to the
other, “You WON, why are you crying?!”
I notice
that in our stories we normally have a “good guy” and a “bad guy;” an obvious protagonist
and an antagonist. The innocent protagonist often wins all and the flawed antagonist loses all. In court cases, conflicts have polarized the parties, leaving each one's perspective placing them as protagonist. In a world
of competition where one wins and one loses it seems hard for anyone to imagine
himself or herself as the antagonist.
So why was
this woman crying when she had gotten what she asked for and had been
proclaimed the winner, the protagonist?
Perhaps she cried merely from relief.
Perhaps she cried from fear of retribution. Was she scared that the other person was discontent with
the outcome and that the conflict was not over?
Perhaps she cried because she recognized the loss, sadness, and
disappointment in the person she had conflict with.
Perhaps she cried because winning the case did not give her
the closure she imagined. Maybe winning,
at another person’s loss, had not offered the healing she dreamed of, wished
for, and maybe even expected.
Of course only the woman knows why
she was crying; I merely speculate. I notice several things though, as I hear people tell me about the conflicts that
bring them to the courthouse. I notice people look for reasons why they should win; why the judge should side
with them; why the other party should lose. I
notice that people resist taking responsibility, and they often dish out blame.
I notice that they come with a
fighter’s stance, to prove the other wrong. I have a hard time imagining how
decisions can be satisfying when they are influenced by persuasive ability and facts shifted to favor one person.
By contrast, I notice a distinct
shift when agreement is reached by mediation; they’ve worked it out, the
problem is solved, and they can move beyond the issues that dominated their relationship. Some people shake hands,
some people let it slip that they weren’t as sure of winning in court as they let on, and pretty much everyone seems relieved. Hearing how another person has been affected
and sharing our own perspective makes for a hard conversation. In the long run though, it is worth a difficult conversation in order to come to a place of closure together, without the divide between "winner" and "loser".
