Ever since I can remember my Mom worked with my Dad on the
farm. Because of the busy farm schedule
it was difficult for her to find time to make meals. When I was quite young Mom would leave out the
recipe of what she wished me to make for lunch. Since I was just learning to
read I’d decipher it at my leisure. One
memorable day Mom left out the baked bean recipe. It goes like this:
1 pound hamburger
1 onion
1 ½ pound can Pork and Beans
1 scant teaspoon dry mustard
3 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons molasses
1 teaspoon vinegar
½ cup ketchup
wieners
Soon I had the hamburger and wieners browning in a skillet
with a little onion. I’d found the can
of pork and beans and the other ingredients on the list. It wasn’t until I started looking them over
that I got into trouble. Dry mustard
mixed with brown sugar?! Molasses and ketchup? Gross! I knew I didn’t like
mustard. Brown sugar? Everybody knows that sugar belongs in
desserts. Molasses? It makes such a
mess! And vinegar? Yuck; besides, the
jug was heavy for me to lift and 1 teaspoon wasn’t worth it. Well, I was cooking so I could take matters
into my own hands. As you may imagine, the result with half the ingredients
missing tasted less than desirable. I
still hear about it when I make baked beans even though I now like mustard,
know that brown sugar, molasses and meat go quite well together, and can easily
manage the vinegar jug.
Just as
cooks use recipes, mediators and facilitators use processes. A process, kind of like a recipe, is a
specific way of doing something. It can
be a way of discussing a topic, or certain steps to go though to find
resolution for an issue. Sometimes when
it comes to working with people, especially through conflict, it seems easy to
take a short cut and leave out the parts of the process that we don’t particularly
like. For example, why bother with
talking pieces to show whose turn it is, or brightly colored stickers to show
preference? Why retell the painful
pieces of what’s going on, or clarify things so many times? Is all of this
really necessary?
Of course, relationships between
people are not as simple as putting ingredients together and the outcome of a
process is not as predictable as that of a recipe. However, process does several things.
Process slows us down when we begin to make decisions too quickly. When we start to feel anxious about a
situation, either individually or corporately, deciding the process toward
resolution decreases our anxiety and keeps us from making rash decisions.
Process gives us a different pattern to follow. If we follow the
usual patterns of conversation we will probably hear the same things from the same
people. If we assume that everyone is on
the same page about incidents that affect conflict situations we miss hearing
each other’s perspectives. If we aren’t pushed to think of ideas beyond our own
first preference we may miss a creative solution.
Process provides a place where more voices can be heard. Informal
conversation is harder for some people than for others, especially in
situations of tension. Important discussions that have no structure can
inadvertently exclude a large part of a group. Respect and space for each
person can be built into the guidelines of processes making discussions seem
safer for people to engage and therefore more equitable for people with
different personality types.
I have heard it said that communication
is not a by-product of trust; rather
trust is a by-product of communication.
Trust can be broken in situations of conflict. However, processes aimed at working together
to solve a problem can protect trust between people or help rebuild it when it
has been broken. We may be more
comfortable with informal and casual interaction but being intentional about
the process we use is like using a recipe when learning to cook; it’s a safety
net. Structure, just like informality,
has it’s place and if we skip over steps just because they seem childish, slow,
or unimportant, we may very well miss something valuable.
