Sometimes when I check the weather this time of year I
notice a red flag warning calling attention to fire danger for my area. Fire
danger increases in certain circumstances: hot dry weather with low humidity,
lightening, and wind. In such conditions one fire burned 216,000 acres of
rangeland several weeks ago. Conflict can be kind of like fire; it can grow to
an unmanageable destructive force if the conditions are right or if controlled
it can be a force for a great deal of good. Likewise, seemingly simple things
can decrease fire danger. What things affect conflict, though they may seem
unimportant?
Preparation
If you find
the topic being discussed very important it pays to wait to have the
conversation until you’ve had time to prepare. Think about why this is
important to you. Think about what you want out of the situation, what you need
out of the situation, and if they’re different. What solutions can you think
of? Are you feeling strong emotions about this situation? What are they? What
steps will you take if this conversation isn’t helpful?
Conflict
flares impressively during surprise outbursts at inopportune moments. Have
you ever noticed that it is easier to be grouchy when you’re hungry? My sister-in-law calls that being “hangry.”
Similarly, if I’m tired my mental and emotional energy plummets along with
intentionality. Prepare for difficult conversations by caring for your basic
needs like hunger and rest; you will be more likely to have the necessary
energy.
Time and place matter
If I think someone is listening
in on a conversation that I want to be private I feel distracted. If my feet dangle from the chair, or if the
seat is uncomfortable it takes energy to think about anything
else. When working on a topic of
contention, choose a time and place that allows concentration. Be sure everyone is present that needs to be,
but choose a place that is private. Find
a space that is comfortable for everyone, safe, and conducive to the
conversation.
Focus on the problem
move toward the person
When in
conflict it is tempting to avoid contact with the person you have tension
with. In reality, this distance and
break of communication creates prime conditions for conflict to escalate. Another aspect that creates this perfect
conflict condition is our tendency to focus our mental energy on the other
person. We think about how bad,
difficult, annoying, unreasonable, etc. that person is. That is like fanning a flame in the open
desert. It seems counterintuitive, but look for opportunities to have contact
and conversation with those you’re in conflict with. Then instead of focusing
on how annoying the other person is use your mental energy to find creative
solutions to the problem at the base of the conflict.
Like fire, conflict can be helpful
or dangerous and destructive. Just as fire is a force outside our control, we
do not have entire control over situations of conflict. We do, however, have
the ability to influence the situation in simple and surprising ways.
