I’ve been digging out dandelions off and on for the last
several weeks and therefore re-learning about roots. It’s tempting to think I’m
finished when I unearth the white soft part of the root. It’s several inches
long and I didn’t see it before, so I’ve gotten it all, right? Sadly, the real
root is a brown knobby piece that breaks with very little provocation. If you
leave even a half-inch of the real root, the dandelion will be back, no
questions asked. Satisfaction comes at the release of such a taproot or finally
discovering of the little piece of root that’s been causing all that trouble. Doing
conflict well can sometimes be like weeding:
1. We only see a
small portion:
Only part of a plant pokes up for
me to see. If I only take care of what I see right away I’m missing some of the
most important parts. Sometimes in conflict we only take the time to deal with
what seems most urgent. We deal with a specific aspect of the problem at hand
in the least amount of time possible. Meanwhile emotions, needs, and systemic
issues hide beneath the surface. Without a doubt, if we don’t get the root, the
problem will be back.
2. Different tools
are available:
I know how
to clear out a dandelion patch really quickly. You take a hoe and chop off all
the tops. It looks all right, at first! It just takes so long to use a shovel,
get down on my knees, and sift through the dirt until I find the root! With some weeds that would be no problem, but
with dandelions it is a short-term fix. In fact, it has a chance of breaking up
the roots and spreading the weeds. Sometimes we use fast methods like
avoidance, accommodation, compromise, or force to make conflict go away
quickly. When important issues and
valuable relationships are at stake though, these methods just stir the pot. Avoidance merely prolongs the conflict. Compromise can promote solutions that
don’t work for anyone. Accommodation
can breed resentment. Even if we treat conflict as competition and force helps us “win”, we lose something
when the other person isn’t content. Such resentment or discontent fuels the
rematch. Collaboration is like
getting out the shovel. It isn’t necessary for every weed in the patch, but for
the big ones, it’s vital.
3. Start when it’s
small:
May and
June are important months for weeding. If gardeners choose not to weed in this
stage the job grows, literally. This time of year I get down on my knees and
finger-weed redroot, lambs quarter, and elm seedlings. All three of these
plants have potential to grow taller than me, elm seedlings exponentially so. Conflict
has a way of growing too. It starts out as just a problem, and then it grows
until we think it’s the other person’s fault. We drag in other issues as well
as our friends, and before we know it we have two distinct groups battling each
other about something no one can really put their finger on. Meanwhile, emotion
intensifies until we no longer talk to each other and can justify punishment. Start
working on the problem when it’s small; it saves time, a great deal of stress,
and probably relationships.
Conflict grows like a weed.
Learn the lesson I did early on in my weeding career. If you don’t want it there, be sure to get
the root.
