My siblings enjoy telling a story about one particular occasion when I became very angry with them. I was about four at the time and my childish vocabulary did not include the necessary language to express my frustration so I borrowed a line from The Berenstain Bears book, The Double Dare. “Sister was so angry she could hardly speak!” I sputtered with my hands on my hips. Of course, my choice of expression produced shouts of laughter; and does to this day. Emotion is something that everyone experiences, sometimes reacts to, and needs to express. Without learning tools to constructively tell someone what we are thinking and feeling, we fall back on patterns of behavior that can be unproductive and unhelpful. In our reactions our words can become unintentional weapons to others and ourselves while leading to miscommunications. There are numerous ways to learn healthy communication skills, one of which is nonviolent communication. This style of communication suggests many skills, including practicing a pattern that we can fall back on in times of high emotion and tension.
In his book Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life Marshall Rosenberg explains a four-step template for confrontation which many have found helpful.
1. This pattern begins with an observation. An observation consists of a specific action or inaction. For example, “I noticed that you arrived thirty minutes later than we planned.” It is easy to put evaluations in place of a simple observation however people often feel defensive when confronted with what we think of their action rather than an observation of what we have experienced.
2. The next step involves stating the emotion experienced in the interaction. Though perhaps seen as simple, this step contains three important points: clear communication of our experience, self awareness of what we are feeling, and choosing to take responsibility for our emotions rather than placing blame. Rosenberg also makes the important observation that our language allows for words describing emotions and descriptors of evaluations to be interchangeable. “I feel angry when you text while I’m talking to you” states emotion while “I feel like you’re not listening to me” states evaluation.
3. The following step in nonviolent communication consists of the statement of unmet needs or values behind our emotion. For example, “Respect and connection are important to me.” These needs and values are often at the root of emotions experienced and the expression of them can provide insight for those involved in the conversation.
4. Finally, a specific request of what would help meet the need completes the template. A specific request could be, “Would you be willing to wait to text your friend until after we are finished talking?” Being explicit with requests creates clear communication, being aware of whether our requests are really demands raises awareness of our motives, and intentionally framing requests replaces passive aggressive behavior.
Perhaps you have heard the adage, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This saying seems to be created out of wishful thinking. Words do hurt sometimes, and communication can be violent. Stopping physical violence makes up a large part of building peace. However, learning to use language intentionally to articulate ourselves, understand others, and build people up is peacebuilding too.
